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Sounds of the Season: Five Terrible Holiday Songs
It's a holiday tradition to turn on tunes while trimming the tree, but after hearing just one of these awful excuses for "holiday classics," we're more likely to trim off our ears to keep from hearing them again. Here are five of the terrible tunes we hope to avoid this year.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer - Elmo and Patsy
It might have been funny when we were six, but this "comic" salute to octogenarian homicide via arctic mammal seems idiotic now. We're all for having fun during the holiday season, but this piece of hokey sonic sludge irks every time a DJ thinks it's time for "something lighter" after a four minute version of the sluggish Bob Seger version of "Little Drummer Boy."
Last Christmas - Wham!
We'd imagine the conversation went something like this: "Hey guys, it's your manager. Holiday season is coming up and the label really thinks a Christmas song will be a big hit. I know you're working on that broken heart song, do you think you could just insert the word Christmas into it? Like, instead of 'Last year, I gave you my heart' it could be 'Last Christmas, I gave you my heart?' Would mean huge sales for the holidays! Thanks, guys!"
Seriously, listen to this song; the lyrics could change with all the holidays -- "Last Halloween," "Last Valentine's Day," "Last Veteran's Day," etc. -- and it wouldn't change the fact that it's a whiny love song about being dumped. Where's the love, togetherness, or family in this Holiday song? Get over it, guys.
The Christmas Shoes - NewSong
We originally read the story of "The Christmas Shoes" in a chain e-mail. It didn't touch our stony hearts then, and the NewSong adaptation into this schmaltzy piece of sickening trash actually made us turn against this tale of a kid that begs for shoes in order to get his mom well-dressed for the afterlife. Yes, we know Jesus is the reason for the season, and we don't dispute the fact that if we'd read it in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book, we'd be a little more likely to be emotionally effected -- still, it's a strange thought that the kid is more worried about how his mom will look when she's dead than spending time with her on their last Christmas together.
Do They Know It's Christmas? - Band Aid
Yes, let's remind everyone feasting on fruitcake and Christmas ham that African children are dying of starvation and won't see snow. This product of the '80s not only gives us the guilty Debbie Downer feeling after we hear it, the video provides photographic evidence of the largest gathering of mullets ever. With the amount of money these pop stars spent on their hair, we'd bet they could have fed Africa three times over. Thanks for killing our Christmas cheer, Bob Geldof -- go spray your hair with the guys from Duran Duran.
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
Absolutely the worst Holiday song ever, this massive pile of nonsense isn't just the worst thing ever written by a Beatle (yes, we're including Ringo's solo stuff), it's the only song we've ever heard that can use just two notes to raise our blood pressure to near heart attack levels. The lyrics are useless, the synth line sounds like a kid playing on a new Casio keyboard they just got for their seventh birthday, and it's mixed all together with some ridiculous choral portions that serve only to remind us that Paul was able to convince others to join in on this affront to all good musical sense.
We've heard urban legends that the song was written to win a bet against someone who challenged Paul to write a holiday song in just five minutes, but as much as we'd like to excuse the song for rushed composing, it's still a terrible song that shouldn't have been released. We just don't understand why people like this horrific holiday tune that makes us simply have a terrible Christmastime.
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